In The Other Room
In the Other Room
Entering the Culture of Motherhood
From Tuesday’s Globe and Mail, Wednesday, Jun. 03, 2009.
Motherhood brings great joy - and a sudden and dramatic social transition. Many new mothers turn for support to the “mommies club,” that informal network of other new mothers.
In her new book, In the Other Room: Entering the Culture of Motherhood , University of Calgary professor Fiona Nelson decodes the meaning behind the stroller derby with her trained anthropologist’s eye. An ethnographic study of the culture of motherhood, the book is based on interviews with 53 new mothers in Alberta.
What she found: The “mommies club” - not only the formal playgroups and drop-ins, but also the cultural and conversational space in parks, schoolyards and grocery stores that all mothers inhabit - is a lifeline. But the club, she says, can be stigmatized, even by the women who belong to it, because it is concerned with the minutiae of mothering - which culturally is viewed as talk about nothing.
The Globe and Mail talked to the women’s studies professor about her findings.
What do you mean by “the mommies club”?
It’s the cultural and conversational space women enter when they become mothers and consists of the relationships they have with each other. It’s the space where women live together and make meaning out of motherhood. Several women claimed that motherhood had not so much changed them, as made them their essential selves.
You say in your book that the first rule of mommies clubs is you don’t admit to being a member.
Women have an ambivalent relationship to mommies clubs. A lot say, “There is this club, the mothers club, and it is valuable. But I’m not part of it.” They would say that other women were, whatever the category they didn’t belong to. For example, employed mothers often defined the club members as stay-at-home mothers, while stay-at-home mothers believed the opposite.
Why is this?
This is partly because we all think we are unique. But it also reflects society’s devaluation of motherhood. This idea that when women are talking about mothering stuff, it’s perceived as talking about nothing, just blabbering on about diapers and poo. So admitting to be part of this mother’s club is like admitting “motherhood is all I am.” At the same time, the women do easily and readily acknowledge they need contact with other mothers. They are an absolute lifeline.
Why are they so important, these mothers groups?
I was really struck by how much thought and research and effort and angst and agony goes into every decision regarding mothering, from what kind of diapers will I use, to am I going to breastfeed, am I going to vaccinate the baby, are we going to Ferberize [teach babies to self-soothe], or practise attachment parenting. That’s why other mothers are so important. They are the ones who know what you’re doing, and they’re cheering you on.
Why hasn’t the culture of motherhood been studied?
It has to do with the fact that mothering isn’t valued culturally. It’s not even seen as labour. What is seen as valuable in our culture is what is paid. So the actual work of mothering isn’t rewarded with money, or prestige, or social power - although certainly women do have power within their own families and lives.
Writer Marni Jackson talks about the “conspiracy of silence” around motherhood, or what she calls maternal amnesia.
There is a mythology built around mothering that it is fulfilling in and of itself. That attitude carries over into a lot of the work women do, teaching, nursing, working in daycare centres. But that’s not necessarily true. There are a range of temperaments, and being nurturing isn’t necessarily gender-based.
What happens to mothers after they return to the work force?
Everyone ends up feeling judged no matter what decision you have made. Sometimes the employer, if you’ve been away for a year, sees you as not having kept up. Once women become mothers, they tend to be identified primarily as mothers. You’re a working mother, you’re not a mothering executive. But have you ever heard of the phrase “working father”? The workplace assumes mothering will be their top priority.
What is the discourse in mothers groups?
Women didn’t want to be judged by other women, and were hesitant to judge others. Yet there is a certain amount of conflict that flares up because all of these decisions are so close to the heart. One of the things that I found sad was women telling me that they couldn’t talk about negative feelings or conflicted feelings about being a mother, or feeling like they were a bad mother.